(taken from Middle Years, a Resource for Educators, Inc.)

     The best approach parents can take is to ignore as much of this erratic behavior as possible.  Changing hormone levels in your child make it next to impossible for them to control their emotions.  So what do you do?  First, keep in mind that her moods have little to do with you - and try not to take them personally.  If you don't comment, chances are they'll disappear as quickly as they arrived.  The more attention you give them, the longer they're likely to stick around.  However, this doesn't give you middle grader a license to walk all over you.  Tell them that you understand they're upset, but they don't have the right to upset the rest of the household.  suggest they go to another room if they're not feeling sociable.  When they come out, try to forget anything happened.  They will probably forget about it, too.

     The next time you middle grader shouts, "Just leave me alone" and slams the door, consider taking their advice.  They may be trying to say, "This room is my private area".  Having a private place can help him cool off and relax.  If you haven't already established rules such as "Knock before opening a closed door," consider doing so.  Tell your middle grader that you respect their need for privacy and expect the same treatment in return.  Chances are they'll understand where you're coming from.  Allowing your child to have privacy doesn't mean they have complete control over the room, however.  Let them know your expectations on how the room is kept (dirty clothes in laundry basket, no trash on floor, ect).

     When your child makes negative comments about their appearance, listen to what they say.  Try to avoid immediately reassuring them.  Instead, make comments that prompt them to describe their feelings.  Example:  "That must be really tough."  This encourages them to open up about their emotions.  Make your comments in a matter-of-fact tone.  Middle graders are likely to find joking and teasing hurtful, even if you're just trying to be funny.  Talk about how you felt when you were their age.  If they don't believe you, pull out old photos.  They will quickly see you're telling the truth.  Gently explain that their friends probably feel the same way about their bodies.  Let them know that these changes will be less and less noticeable as they get older.

     The key to this stage of your child's life is to allow them to make more decisions about how and when they do things.  But make it clear that their newfound freedom has conditions.  For example, so long as their work gets done, you'll try to stay out of their hair.  But if they stop meeting their obligations, remind them that you'll step in and take over.

     Try to remember that no matter what you say, chances are your middle grader will hold an opinion different from yours.  They are learning to defend their argument - a valuable skill they'll need to resist peer pressure.  Likewise, they're trying to sort out what they like and dislike, from hairstyles to values.  It's also a way for them to learn the thinking behind your rules.  They're testing you to see why you hold certain beliefs.  However, it's important that your child remain respectful when expressing their views.  Explain that just because they disagree with an idea doesn't mean they have to respond rudely.

WHOSE HOMEWORK IS THIS, ANYWAY?

What your middle grader can do:

     Homework improves grades, provides practice for study skills, and increases learning.  That's why it's important for students to complete their homework.  Here's how you middle grader can get the job done.

Get assignments

    Remind your child that it's her job to write down assignments.  She may need to copy them from the board or from the school's website.  Before your middle grader leaves class, she should know when assignments are due and if she needs extra resources (Internet, library research) or special supplies (index cards, poster board, ect.)

Make a plan

     When your middle grader gets home from school, he should glance over assignments and come up with a study plan.  Generally it's a good idea to tackle tougher or longer assignments first.  He should be able to follow most homework and project instructions without supervision, but let him know you're available if he needs you.  For long-term projects, he may want to keep track of deadlines on a calendar.

Keep a routine

     Encourage your child to begin homework at the same time each day to make learning a habit.  What time is best?  Possibilities include immediately after school or later in the evening when she's had a chance to relax.  If she's involved in outside activities, she might do better with a flexible schedule that allows her to study after school on some days and after dinner on others.  Within reason, let her decide.

Create a study area

      Many children work best in a special study area, like at a bedroom desk or the kitchen table.  However, some kids do better sprawling on the living room floor.  Consider letting your middle grader choose where he'll work - he's more likely to stay on task when he's comfortable.  His work area should have adequate lighting and a stash of homework supplies, such as pens, pencils, paper, and a dictionary.

Increase concentration

     Some middle graders need calm surroundings to focus on homework.  Others may study better with low-volume background music.  But television is usually too much for anyone to ignore.  Your child should keep the TV off during study time so her mind is tuned in to her homework.

Find ways to improve

     When graded homework is returned to your child, have him read any comments the teacher wrote.  If he received a poor grade, he should think about the reasons.  Did he write down the assignment correctly?  Did he follow the instructions?  Discovering what went wrong can keep him from repeating mistakes.

What you can do:

     The key is for you to stay involved and monitor your child's homework without doing it for her.  Consider these suggestions:

Offer support

     When you middle grader asks you questions, guide her in the right direction.  For example, instead of answering her question, "Mom, how many feet are in a mile?" ask, "Where do you think you can find the answer?"  Your role is to show her how to resolve problems so she will learn to do it on her own.  You can also help by quizzing her on test questions or discussing essay topics.

Maintain a schedule

     Whenever possible, match your household's schedule with your child's study time.  If homework is done from 6 to 7 p.m. each day, make this a quiet time for the entire family.  Consider working on your own project (read a book or balance the checkbook) while he studies.  This will help him stay focused.

Give reminders

     An occasional prompt, such as "How's the draft of your report coming along?"  may be all that's needed to encourage your middle grader to complete a project.  Nagging will only make your child more resistant.  But watch for signs that he's frustrated or seems to be spending too much time on his homework.  If your child consistently has trouble with assignments, ask his teachers for advice.

Promote independence

     When you child was younger, she probably readily handed over her homework for you to read.  Middle graders are more independent.  If your child asks you to read her assignment, point out spelling or other errors, but let her correct them.  The teacher needs to see her problem areas.  And, to avoid a flare-up of hurt feelings, don't criticize her work.

Provide praise

      If you notice your middle grader studying hard, tell him how proud you are.  Praising strong effort encourages your child to keep learning.  A warm comment, such as "Nice job on that science project," can give him confidence when he dives into social studies.

Stay positive

     Try to keep a positive, upbeat attitude about your middle grader's homework - your child just might follow your lead.  Remind her to take an occasional short break to make homework more pleasant.  She could take a 10-minute walk, have a snack, or listen to a couple of her favorite songs.  But be sure she gets back on track after the break.

Team with teachers

     Ask your child's teacher about homework rules and how you can help with assignments.  Find out what kinds of projects your child should expect.  Provide your phone number, and e-mail address if available, and encourage the teachers to contact you if problems arise.  The sooner you are aware of a problem, the more quickly a solution can be found.  Remember:  with you guidance and encouragement your middle grader will learn to work independently.

Encouraging Responsibility

       Most middle graders want more privileges.  At the same time, they often forget that with privileges comes responsibility.  Helping your child develop personal responsibility will serve her well - both now and in the future.  Try these suggestions:

• When your middle grader says she will do something, ask her to be specific.  Example:  "I will clean my room by bedtime on Friday."  Let her know that friends and family count on her to follow through with her promises.

• Suggest that your child use a calendar to remember important dates such as a friend's birthday party or a babysitting job.  Keeping up with her own schedule helps her learn to manage her responsibilities.

• Children need to see their parents being responsible, too.  Arriving at work on time and attending school meetings, for example, shows your middle grader that you take your own responsibilities seriously.

Extra-special extracurricular

     Participating in after-school activities like sports, band, and clubs can have a good influence on middle graders.  How?  By boosting learning, fostering friendships, and teaching valuable life skills.  Consider these ideas:

• Help you children choose activities that match their interests and schedules.  Let them know that it's better to be actively involved in one extracurricular than joining several that they might not participate in.

• Make sure your middle graders don't have too many obligations.  If they seem overly tired or stressed, no longer enjoy activities, or don't have time or energy for homework and family, they may need to cut back on extracurriculars.

• Find time to attend your children's games, performances, and club events.  Sharing activities with your middle graders lets them know you're enthusiastic about their interests and improves your relationship with them.

Navigating the "Tween" Years

     He's not quite a teen.  He's no longer a child.  Instead, your middle schooler is a "tween".  To help him navigate these tricky years:

• Know his friends.  Aside from parents, friends are his biggest influence.  Nudge him toward respectable kids.  Meet their parents.

• Give him real responsibilities.  In addition to handling his own schoolwork, give him chores.  Responsibility is a big part of maturity.

• Set limits.  Although kids rebel against rules, they also take comfort in them.  Let him know what's expected of him.

• Communicate.  Talking to a "tween" is tough, but do it anyway.  Be available to chat.  Listen when he talks.

• Supervise him.  He wants independence, but you're in charge of how much he gets.  Check where he is and who he's with.  Know when he'll be home.  If an activity is unsupervised, offer to be a chaperone.

• Stick with it.  Parenting preteens is hard, and no one strategy always works.  Your child still needs you.  Hang in there.

Beating Peer Pressure

     All children face peer pressure at one time or another - good and bad.  Wanting to be part of the crowd can encourage kids to study hard or get involved in a worthwhile community project.  It can also tempt them to try something serious, such as skipping school or using drugs.  Help your middle grader handle peer pressure with these suggestions:

• Explore situations.  Talk with your child about the kinds of peer pressure she might encounter and ways to handle it.  For instance, she could practice ways to respond if offered a cigarette.  She might say, "No, thanks.  I don't want to smell like an ashtray."  Knowing how to deal with pressure in advance can help her when a difficult situation arises.

• Gain confidence.  Kids who experiment with dangerous behaviors are sometimes searching for their true identity.  Encourage your middle grader to keep busy with hobbies and activities she enjoys and to learn new ones, such as scrapbooking or playing a sport.  Her successes will give her the confidence to make smart choices - and avoid dangerous ones.

• Stand strong.  Help you middle grader decide where she stands on ethical issues, such as stealing and lying.  Have her think about how she would feel if someone stole from her or lied to her.  Being aware of what she believes can make it easier for her to say, "That's not for me," and move on to better options.

Success During the Year

• Talk about academics.  Middle school is a great time for kids to learn good study habits.  Let your child know how important it is to keep up with homework.  Talk about how doing well in school now can help him reach his goals later in life.  Find a quiet, well-lit place for him to study at home.  Then, figure out together what kind of study routine will work best for him.  Hint:  Teachers usually have good study tips to share.

• Be organized.  Your child will probably have more homework now that she's in middle school.  You can help her keep track of it by getting her a small planner or notebook to take to each class.  Show her how to write down homework and other information, like test dates or class trips.  She can check the planner before leaving school to make sure she brings home everything she needs.

• Discuss behavior.  Let you child know what behavior you expect from him in school.  Examples:  Be in class on time; be polite to teachers; pay attention.  Be clear about consequences for unacceptable behavior.  Is you child constantly late to class?  Consider asking a teacher or hall monitor to escort him between classes for a day or two.

• Get involved.  Volunteering at your child's school is a great idea.  You'll help the school, but just as important, your child will benefit.  You'll get to know her teachers and coaches and better understand what middle school is like for her.  Here are some ways to get involved:  Join the PTA; chaperone a field trip; attend school conferences; do paperwork for teachers; talk to class about your job; or lend a hand with after-school programs.

• Stay active.  Growing kids need regular physical activity.  But some middle schools no longer offer gym classes or even outdoor recess.  If your middle schooler doesn't have daily gym or recess, try to find other ways for him to get exercise.  Look for after-school teams he can join or a nearby park where he can bike or skate.  Bonus:  Regular activity can help kids concentrate better in school.

Developing Good Study Habits

Establishing and using good study habits now, before your child gets to high school, may be the best thing he can do to be successful.  Encourage him to:

• Find out what works best for him.  This includes when to study, where to study and how to study

• Does he need quiet or does he concentrate better with background noise?  Can he work well at the kitchen table, or only in his room?  Is it more efficient for him to complete one thing before starting another, or can he work on several things at a time?

• Get his timing down.  Can he work straight through for several hours, or does he need to work in 15 to 20 minute bursts?  Some students find breaks refreshing, while others get distracted too easily.

• Always read directions.  have your child ask himself if he really understands the directions.  Then have him read them again.  He can't do the assignment if he doesn't know what he is supposed to do.

• Remember presentation.  Teachers can't give credit for homework they can't read.  His sloppy work shows disrespect for the teacher and himself - it bars him from demonstrating how much he really knows. 

Help Build a True Sense of Responsibility

Boost your middle schooler's sense of responsibility and you'll help him in the classroom and out.  Responsible students take learning seriously.  To nurture his sense of responsibility:

• Expose him to money. If he does not have an allowance, consider giving him one.  By letting him manage money (and not spotting him a few bucks each time he runs low), he may develop more respect for it.

• Include him when you're paying bills or working on your budget.  Don't share every financial detail, but let him see what budgeting looks like.  "I'd love to order pizza tonight, too, but it'll have to wait.  payday isn't until Friday."

• Revamp his chore list.  Are you still packing your child's lunch?  How about doing his laundry?  If so, pass the torch.  Now that he's a preteen, your child is capable of handling such day-to-day chores as cooking and doing laundry.  Don't overload him with hours of new tasks, but work toward giving him meaningful responsibilities. 

• Let him take his lumps.  When you child makes a mistake, don't swoop in to save him (unless he's in true danger).  By allowing him to experience the consequences of his actions, he's more likely to learn not to make the same mistake again.  If you're always running to his rescue, he'll only learn that he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything.